you [you] don't want to die but you [not you] wants to

i kept dying last night in my sleep. my breathing would slow until it completely stopped. at one point i saw a sequence of three dim flashes and what my mind would remember as my present location. a darkness would then creep over my eyes as slowly as my last breath leaving my body. my thoughts... there were no thoughts. i had no flashbacks of my life, no regrets, no desires, no needs and no wants. i became fully conscious and as a fully conscious being i was only completely aware of one thing and that was that i was dying. nothing. nothing is what happened next. if one could be completely unconsciously aware of absolutely everything without knowing anything and can only recall the waking life that follows, that is what nothing is. there is nothing.

there was a force deep in the mind of my living body, a force so unpleasant and so unpleased with such a constant unforseen cerebro-authoritative decision that it heaved as hard as it could to wake me from nothing, each muscle embraced my ribs and my lungs, hanging on to any amount of dear life, pulled and heaved to fill my lungs with as much air as they could possibly hold and as fast as they possibly could. i was pulled from nothing and into the darkness of the bedroom, out of breath, confused and completely unaware of anything. i regained my situational consciousness, tired and sore, bothered and alone. i shifted my body into another comfortable position and started the process all over again with an open attempt to sleep each time but sleep would not come again until the morning.